Hello sweet boy

Oh my Nicholas James...
Where do I start tonight with sharing my day with you.
I started at 6 and saw G&J off to school, I love getting up with them in the mornings again and seeing them before they leave for school. It sets the pace for my day, jump starts my heart and reminds me of two perfect reasons why I get up everyday!
I still miss you.
I made myself a cup of "Via" it's Starbucks instant coffee packets that taste like fresh brewed, honest it is good and boy did it perk me right up...major caffeine in it, Wow!!! Good stuff..I'm pleasantly surprised. Then I began to put pictures together on the comp. downloading, uploading, making Cd's etc. I posted more then 100 pics on Face book of G&J's Homecoming. It was a great feeling to get that done, it took me a little time to figure it out but once I did, it was lickity split done!
A girlfriend of mine came over for a bit and we visited. She just found out that her daughter who just turned 18 has cancer. They are doing surgery on the 27Th to try and get it all. She is scared...that she will lose her, and knows I have been through "It". She came to see me, she cried, I listen as she spoke. I shared some words that are hard to speak. Wow, Just wow.
I took Greg to do Gr. lawn and this time I went in to visit with Grama, I haven't done that for a very long time. I stayed we talked for 3 hours about different stuff. Lloyd, Gr. and Greg went to look at yet ANOTHER car a crx, something Lloyd can run to the damn and back with, and they ended up buying it. Anyway, Grama and I got to talking about "Life", the journey, our faith, YOU, and where I am with it all. She told me a story of a christian comedian by the name of Chondra Piers, and how she had lost her Father and 2 sisters in 1 year. Chondra tells the story and says it's like a puzzle, and finding the pieces and putting it together. How God, hold the pieces from the beginning of time because He already knows how our lives should be and what they will be. Then He gives us the pieces one at a time. He starts with the edges, then fills in the picture as we go.
I swear I am so relating to that. I'm not angry with God anymore, and I wasn't too angry with HIM from the beginning as I KNOW HE didn't hurt me. I was and am still angry at the drugs!!! and other things and people (in which I am forgiving everyday to be free from that prison), and to be perfectly honest son, angry with some of the choices you made. That was so damn hard to say, but I need to heal, get well and get through this, and to do that I must be honest with myself. But we all make choices in our lives that aren't good, that end up hurting the ones we love, and that aren't always the best. You Nick were no different than any of us.
I just know that "something" happened in my heart again today....maybe God gave me another piece of puzzle. I am searching for where it fits.
Greg and I went to see you last night. I cried and cried and the tears and feeling were "FELT" different in some small way, just different!!! Greg, bless his precious heart, just sat with me by your tree, and watched and listened as I told you out loud Nick how I am trying to figure it all out. When we got in the car I asked Greg if he still cried over you, he paused for a moment and softly said no. I then asked him, do you think it is strange that I still do, and right away he said NO. Inside I swear I was dying, my guts were turning and I didn't know what I was feeling, there were so many things going on in my head right then. I told him I just want to be a good moma to him and Journey, and to be happy again. I told him I would never get over losing you but that I wanted to be well and enjoy the life we do have. I asked him if he would pray everyday for me, he said yes. We drove away and I was still crying. We got to the railroad tracks then stopped at the light there. The I asked Greg "Am I a good moma to you son"? And he nodded his head, he looked at me (he was driving) and said YES. I told him thank-you, and cried some more.
Nicholas, my sweet Nicholas. I know I love you, I know I miss you, and I know this hurts!!!
I will write you later my sweet boy, I love you so much.
I love you more ~moma~