Hi baby

Oh how I do miss you
I found 2 penny's today son...smile.
Today my mind was quieter, though I thought of you and missed you through the day, I was not tormented with the usual thoughts of your death, Shelby's death and horrifying images. They still come and I still have them everyday, but the torment today, the burden was lighter. My heart still aches too, but the constant aching felt different some how!!!
I figured something out a couple weeks ago that I want to share with you now. I realized that since you died every time something bad or sad happened, or someone hurt my feelings or was rude or unkind to me, and the death of our loved ones, and all the hurtful things that happened to me in my life way back to when i was 5 years old...was magnified 1,000 times. All the ugly and hurtful things even the ones I have forgiven and let go of, and ones I haven't thought of for years, the ones I have healed from, would flood my mind, and I would think to myself...life is cruel and this is not "living", this feels like I'm dieing.
Now that I recognize this, I quickly remind myself that those things, words, people, events have already been dealt with and the only thing I will walk through in that moment, is my grief and pain in losing you and Shelby. I don't feel like I want to RUN as far and as fast as I can until I disappear. One more step toward healing son, I know it. I do not know how long I will grieve and ache for you and Shelby, but I do know and BELIEVE it will not be forever. I KNOW I will forever MISS you, but today I know I will not forever be TORMENTED and broken!!! This revelation can only come from God. Pro.3:5-8.
Another thing I am finding is, as I heal and move into wellness and the land of the living again, my memory is returning, and God is giving me so many sweet, sweet pictures, memories, and thoughts of you that I haven't been able to see or remember since your death, because my mind was so tortured by the grief and pain of your passing!
I still cry everyday over losing you, wanting to hug and kiss you and see you, and be with you. I pray that one day I will not cry everyday, and that LOVE. JOY and PEACE will take the place of my tears. I know I will cry even years to come over you, just as I do for my moma, and Shelby and My brother, but the tears are of missing them and the thoughts are of what could be, what could have been, not from gut wrenching mental, emotional and physical pain that feels like I'm still bleeding to death.
Nicholas my sweet son, tell God thank for the puzzle piece.
I love you my beautiful Nick.
I love you more ~moma~