Morning Son,
I love you Nicholas James, I miss you.
It's Monday and it is the 4th day in a row I woke without that deep burden of longing for you...PEACE is still in my heart and mind!!! Thank you Lord Jesus.
The kids are at school, and I start my class tonight, your Dad is going too.We are driving down to see B and Sis. I am making definite plans now, just have to make sure the roads and passes are good to travel, sis is checking on that for me in a little bit. If the passes are good for travel then it's a go. Journey will miss a day at cheer practice, but she's okay with that, and she is the best anyway. They will miss school on Friday, but they are ok with grades too.
I miss you Nicholas, I miss you so much. But I have been moving forward and staying forward since Friday, I pray I keep going. I am a little afraid that my class will take me back, but I also know I have to do it, and that I am still gonna have bad days, so I might as well go anyway. In the end it will probably be very helpful. UGH!!! I was looking forward to it for 2 weeks because I was feeling so miserable and afraid, I had no hope or peace. Now since 4 days ago I'm not as afraid and I do have hope of making it, and peace WITHIN my heart. I feel stable in my thinking. I pray to God that it stays with me. So, now that I am feeling and thinking ok, I'm a little afraid about going to the class and putting all this in front of me again. Like Auntie Julie said, "I will get on top of "this", instead of "this" being on top of me"!!! I have felt like your death has been smothering me for 14 months, like I can't breath, and it has, until last Friday night. I don't know what broke in me, but there was a breakthrough that's all I know. I believe it has been a number of things that have had to take place in order for me to be where I am now. Sucks I've had to feel and go through all this in order to heal, have peace and be where I am, it has been so painful and agonizing, but if this is how I get to be now, it has been worth all the suffering. I just want to "Live" again, not just Survive. Only those who have had to suffer and experience the suicide of their child will ever understand my pain Nick, I have learned that much. It is a pain and ache that I wish upon NO ONE!!! It is THE WORST!!!
I better get moving son. I have to take a shower, make some calls, and do some cleaning.I love you sweet boy, and I still miss you so much :(Always with me, in my heart, mind, and soul...forevermore.
I miss you.
I love you more ~moma